sim·pli·fy (/ˈsimpləˌfī/)
verb: 1. Make (something) simpler or easier
to do or understand. 2. Clarify
New
Year’s Eve. It’s when people think about a clean slate, making changes and
making the start of a new year great. It has occurred to me that I need to look
at things differently and simplify. 2013 has not been a great one, although it
certainly has been one for the books. The most poignant event of the year
occurred early in 2013; on January 9th, around 12 noon, in a
hospital room filled with machines, lights, doctors, nurses, family and a bed.
Mom’s final resting place, if you will. The moment her soul became free and
unburdened and healthy again… well, she was no longer with us. 2013 was off to
a rough start and not with a BANG but with a quiet whisper and a whirring of
mechanics.
Mom being
gone has literally been a year-long process of saying goodbye. It’s been a year
of feeling like something has been forgotten – similar to the feeling you get
when you walk into a room and think, “why did I come in here again?” Twelve
months of sorrow, guilt, apologies, promises kept, promises broken, promises
unspoken, grief, prayers, anger and silence. The silence is the most difficult,
I believe. The silence is the absence of Mom telling us to knock it off and start
living again. If it is true that our loved ones periodically check in on us…
Mom is really annoyed. So it’s an angry silence, I can tell.
Now see
what just happened there? This was supposed to be about simplifying and making
2014 different from 2013. That was my intention and I’ve hijacked myself with
the singular defining moment of 2013, losing my momentum and my point – as have
all amazing moment of the past year been lost to that one moment in time back
in January. I’m scattered. I’m rambling. I’m losing focus. I’m complicating
things. I need to simplify and get back on track. That is my goal for 2014. To
simplify. To clarify. Even to exemplify.
Last
night I had myself a wake-up call of sorts. As a mother of 4 in a family of 6,
I find myself pulled in a million different directions at all times. While it
all gets done NOTHING gets done well. For a Type A personality such as myself
this is very stressful and distracting. After a full day of trying to fend off
the three toddlers (Yes, we have 3 under age 3 here – twins and “the new guy”
who will soon be 3, 3, and 2 in the next few weeks), figure out why the 13 year
old hates us, pay the bills, manage the household budget and plan out lunches
and dinner I found myself having blurry vision, a splitting headache on one
side of my head, heavy limbs and slurred speech. All of these symptoms
presenting within the same half hour led my husband and I to think that heading
to the local walk-in medical center would be prudent. Fast forward and I’m in
an ambulance (staffed by some rather attractive firemen and paramedics –
Cranston FD: you’re doing it right!!) on my way to Rhode Island Hospital for a
stroke evaluation. Long story short – TOO LATE – it was not a stroke but
something called a “complex
migraine” which can mimic a stroke. Even my migraines are complex, I
thought – why can’t anything be simple? Simple. Hm.
When I
woke up this morning the first thing that I thought of was that I needed to
simplify. I needed to make things plain, ease the clutter, make life easier.
When I went to take a shower I caught sight of my make-up bag and it came to me
that for many of us – including myself – our lives are akin to our make-up
bags, purses, wallets, medicine cabinets. Forget the eyes; THESE are the
windows to our souls!
Mine are
a mess. Full of old things, half used things, useless things that seemed like a
good idea at the time, things I love but can’t give up yet, things that are
really bad for me if I keep using them and things I don’t need but hold on to
“just in case” and so they take up too much space. Even the stuff I do need is
in such disarray that I don’t take the time to find it and appreciate it. How
many of us have all of this and more in our lives beyond the medicine cabinet?
How many of us have feelings, people, relationships, burdens, angers, sadness
that do us no good but we can’t seem to sift through or get rid of them to see
the good stuff we DO have with us? For me, simplification started with tossing
out the old mascara and totally not needed pregnancy tests and ended with the
following list of things that I am pledging to do this year to simplify. It’s a
work in progress, as I am a work in progress, but it’s a start. I am sharing
this in the hope that some of you will join me but also that it helps you to
know that someone else is struggling with “life clutter” and the realities that
come with is. In 2014 I will:
§ Stop hating my body for what it
isn’t and start appreciating it for what it is.
o
This
means that I need to also appreciate what it CAN do as opposed to what it
CAN’T. So I don’t look like a super model? I can still carry three babies when
they need me, remember that 11th grade algebra when homework puts me
on the spot, sing a silly song or cook a damn good meal. I am choosing to make
my mind up and create a home with my full self and not build a chopping block
for my self-esteem.
§ Clean out my closets
o
ALL
of them. No more feeling bad about myself when I try something on that just
doesn’t look right on me anymore. This goes for shoes and **gasp** purses. I
have to be honest with myself: I’m 36 and the mother of four. I DON’T need or
have time for strappy stilettos. My husband may disagree… However, should I
bring this stuff to my church there will be some very well dressed sisters out
there and who knows? Maybe one of those dresses I have been holding on to
(because they remind me of my time as a woman with a paycheck career as opposed
to my new PLAYcheck career) may give someone the confidence to nail that job
interview they landed after being out of work for months and months. Karma out,
karma in, right?
§ Evaluate and eliminate.
o
I
have been working on this for a while. I really need to be better at it. I also
need to apply this to not just items but RELATIONSHIPS. Is this person making
me better at being a mother, friend, woman, person? Is this relationship
keeping me from the thing that are important to ME? Am I just fueling a toxic
situation by trying to be nice and keep the peace? As a Christian, this one of
the harder ones for me. I mean, we are all supposed to love our neighbor as
ourselves, right? Well, I would like to think that even Jesus realized that sometime
people just aren’t able or willing to accept that love and so we need to take
it someplace else because it’s not doing anything positive for us and our
spiritual health. To sum up: Jesus loves you but I kind of think you suck and
I’m just going to move on with my life. It’s not me – it’s you.
§ Take time out to play.
o
These
little weirdos aren’t getting any younger. Soon they will be looking at me with
the same level of distain my stepson does (the 13 year old). Or maybe not?
Simple play with a car, a song or a dance could make all the difference in the
angst they are sure the feel when puberty hits. Maybe if I can teach them now
that there is nothing more important that being happy with one another and that
being silly is a good thing I can keep at bay the sadness lurking on the
horizon. Even if that isn’t possible at least I can teach them that living in
the moment is a beautiful thing. This also means taking time for myself. I need
to write more. I need to play in the kitchen more. I KNOW I need to laugh more.
§ Take time to BE in church, not
simply GO.
o
Maybe
it’s not church for you. Maybe it’s the local nature preserve or temple or Taze
group. For me, it’s most certainly church. No more feeling guilty for leaving
the Thee Amigos in the church nursery. I need to remind myself that it’s OK and
they won’t think I have abandoned them. I need to center myself spiritually and
ground myself so that I can be clear headed and light of heart throughout the
week. All of this will lead to me being a better person which = better Mami =
better Wife = happier Family
§ Follow the Sun and listen to the
animals – they know what they are doing.
o
My
BFF Jenn and I like to watch horror films and one thing we always say when we
see all of the dogs/cats/forest creatures running away or going BANANAS is
“ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE ANIMALS!!!” Notice how very rarely bad things happen in
the daylight with these films? Hmmm – interesting. I digress. New attitude: if it’s not done by
sundown, it’s not getting done until sunup. My evenings need to be about
winding down, resting and enjoying the events of the day. What they don’t need
to be is about the ten baskets of laundry to be folded (matched by the 10 in
the basement to be washed), the floor that needs to be vacuumed, the shelves
that need dusting. We have three dogs and three cats. The dogs spend their
nights (and yes, most of their days) napping and they seem so much nicer than
the cats who are nocturnal. No offense to cat people, but I think we can all
see where I am going with this.
This is
how I am going to simplify. I also simplified my list; 6 is a good number and
it’s manageable (hey, my family has six and I’m hanging in there so far!). What
are your plans for the new year? I’d love to know and see if I can incorporate
them into my new plan.
So, here
is to a better 2014 with a focus on what we have and not what could have been.
With many
blessings from my family to yours,
TAM
