sim·pli·fy (/ˈsimpləˌfī/)

verb: 1. Make (something) simpler or easier to do or understand. 2. Clarify

New Year’s Eve. It’s when people think about a clean slate, making changes and making the start of a new year great. It has occurred to me that I need to look at things differently and simplify. 2013 has not been a great one, although it certainly has been one for the books. The most poignant event of the year occurred early in 2013; on January 9^th, around 12 noon, in a hospital room filled with machines, lights, doctors, nurses, family and a bed. Mom’s final resting place, if you will. The moment her soul became free and unburdened and healthy again… well, she was no longer with us. 2013 was off to a rough start and not with a BANG but with a quiet whisper and a whirring of mechanics.

Mom being gone has literally been a year-long process of saying goodbye. It’s been a year of feeling like something has been forgotten – similar to the feeling you get when you walk into a room and think, “why did I come in here again?” Twelve months of sorrow, guilt, apologies, promises kept, promises broken, promises unspoken, grief, prayers, anger and silence. The silence is the most difficult, I believe. The silence is the absence of Mom telling us to knock it off and start living again. If it is true that our loved ones periodically check in on us… Mom is really annoyed. So it’s an angry silence, I can tell.

Now see what just happened there? This was supposed to be about simplifying and making 2014 different from 2013. That was my intention and I’ve hijacked myself with the singular defining moment of 2013, losing my momentum and my point – as have all amazing moment of the past year been lost to that one moment in time back in January. I’m scattered. I’m rambling. I’m losing focus. I’m complicating things. I need to simplify and get back on track. That is my goal for 2014. To simplify. To clarify. Even to exemplify.

Last night I had myself a wake-up call of sorts. As a mother of 4 in a family of 6, I find myself pulled in a million different directions at all times. While it all gets done NOTHING gets done well. For a Type A personality such as myself this is very stressful and distracting. After a full day of trying to fend off the three toddlers (Yes, we have 3 under age 3 here – twins and “the new guy” who will soon be 3, 3, and 2 in the next few weeks), figure out why the 13 year old hates us, pay the bills, manage the household budget and plan out lunches and dinner I found myself having blurry vision, a splitting headache on one side of my head, heavy limbs and slurred speech. All of these symptoms presenting within the same half hour led my husband and I to think that heading to the local walk-in medical center would be prudent. Fast forward and I’m in an ambulance (staffed by some rather attractive firemen and paramedics – Cranston FD: you’re doing it right!!) on my way to Rhode Island Hospital for a stroke evaluation. Long story short – TOO LATE – it was not a stroke but something called a “complex migraine” which can mimic a stroke. Even my migraines are complex, I thought – why can’t anything be simple? Simple. Hm.

When I woke up this morning the first thing that I thought of was that I needed to simplify. I needed to make things plain, ease the clutter, make life easier. When I went to take a shower I caught sight of my make-up bag and it came to me that for many of us – including myself – our lives are akin to our make-up bags, purses, wallets, medicine cabinets. Forget the eyes; THESE are the windows to our souls!

Mine are a mess. Full of old things, half used things, useless things that seemed like a good idea at the time, things I love but can’t give up yet, things that are really bad for me if I keep using them and things I don’t need but hold on to “just in case” and so they take up too much space. Even the stuff I do need is in such disarray that I don’t take the time to find it and appreciate it. How many of us have all of this and more in our lives beyond the medicine cabinet? How many of us have feelings, people, relationships, burdens, angers, sadness that do us no good but we can’t seem to sift through or get rid of them to see the good stuff we DO have with us? For me, simplification started with tossing out the old mascara and totally not needed pregnancy tests and ended with the following list of things that I am pledging to do this year to simplify. It’s a work in progress, as I am a work in progress, but it’s a start. I am sharing this in the hope that some of you will join me but also that it helps you to know that someone else is struggling with “life clutter” and the realities that come with is. In 2014 I will:

§  Stop hating my body for what it isn’t and start appreciating it for what it is.

o   This means that I need to also appreciate what it CAN do as opposed to what it CAN’T. So I don’t look like a super model? I can still carry three babies when they need me, remember that 11^th grade algebra when homework puts me on the spot, sing a silly song or cook a damn good meal. I am choosing to make my mind up and create a home with my full self and not build a chopping block for my self-esteem.

§  Clean out my closets

o   ALL of them. No more feeling bad about myself when I try something on that just doesn’t look right on me anymore. This goes for shoes and **gasp** purses. I have to be honest with myself: I’m 36 and the mother of four. I DON’T need or have time for strappy stilettos. My husband may disagree… However, should I bring this stuff to my church there will be some very well dressed sisters out there and who knows? Maybe one of those dresses I have been holding on to (because they remind me of my time as a woman with a paycheck career as opposed to my new PLAYcheck career) may give someone the confidence to nail that job interview they landed after being out of work for months and months. Karma out, karma in, right?

§  Evaluate and eliminate.

o   I have been working on this for a while. I really need to be better at it. I also need to apply this to not just items but RELATIONSHIPS. Is this person making me better at being a mother, friend, woman, person? Is this relationship keeping me from the thing that are important to ME? Am I just fueling a toxic situation by trying to be nice and keep the peace? As a Christian, this one of the harder ones for me. I mean, we are all supposed to love our neighbor as ourselves, right? Well, I would like to think that even Jesus realized that sometime people just aren’t able or willing to accept that love and so we need to take it someplace else because it’s not doing anything positive for us and our spiritual health. To sum up: Jesus loves you but I kind of think you suck and I’m just going to move on with my life. It’s not me – it’s you.

§  Take time out to play.

o   These little weirdos aren’t getting any younger. Soon they will be looking at me with the same level of distain my stepson does (the 13 year old). Or maybe not? Simple play with a car, a song or a dance could make all the difference in the angst they are sure the feel when puberty hits. Maybe if I can teach them now that there is nothing more important that being happy with one another and that being silly is a good thing I can keep at bay the sadness lurking on the horizon. Even if that isn’t possible at least I can teach them that living in the moment is a beautiful thing. This also means taking time for myself. I need to write more. I need to play in the kitchen more. I KNOW I need to laugh more.

§  Take time to BE in church, not simply GO.

o   Maybe it’s not church for you. Maybe it’s the local nature preserve or temple or Taze group. For me, it’s most certainly church. No more feeling guilty for leaving the Thee Amigos in the church nursery. I need to remind myself that it’s OK and they won’t think I have abandoned them. I need to center myself spiritually and ground myself so that I can be clear headed and light of heart throughout the week. All of this will lead to me being a better person which = better Mami = better Wife = happier Family

§  Follow the Sun and listen to the animals – they know what they are doing.

o   My BFF Jenn and I like to watch horror films and one thing we always say when we see all of the dogs/cats/forest creatures running away or going BANANAS is “ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE ANIMALS!!!” Notice how very rarely bad things happen in the daylight with these films? Hmmm – interesting.  I digress. New attitude: if it’s not done by sundown, it’s not getting done until sunup. My evenings need to be about winding down, resting and enjoying the events of the day. What they don’t need to be is about the ten baskets of laundry to be folded (matched by the 10 in the basement to be washed), the floor that needs to be vacuumed, the shelves that need dusting. We have three dogs and three cats. The dogs spend their nights (and yes, most of their days) napping and they seem so much nicer than the cats who are nocturnal. No offense to cat people, but I think we can all see where I am going with this.

This is how I am going to simplify. I also simplified my list; 6 is a good number and it’s manageable (hey, my family has six and I’m hanging in there so far!). What are your plans for the new year? I’d love to know and see if I can incorporate them into my new plan.

So, here is to a better 2014 with a focus on what we have and not what could have been.

With many blessings from my family to yours,

TAM